I thought I had seen it all when it comes to parenting until I had a second and third daughter. That was when I realized that I have been an amateur all the while. One minute they are getting along, playing fun games and the next minute I hear cries and then out of the blues, “Mummmmmmmm, she is picking on me.”
“No I’m not, she started it.”
Does the above scenario sound familiar? How do you deal with that? I’ve only recently discovered that acknowledging their hurt and angry feelings actually help instead of trying to talk them out of it.
So few days ago, this heated argument played out between the girls and this was what I did;
Niki: Ohhhhh you have scattered my toys!
Steph: I did not scatter your rubbish toys.
Niki: It’s your own toy that is rubbish. Leave my space now. I don’t want to play with you ever again!
Steph: You’re not the boss of me… Michelle please come let us play.
Niki: No, I get to decide who she plays with. (The squabble continued and materialized into a fight and suddenly…)
Steph: MOMMMMMMMMMMM!
Me: (I read an article on sibling rivalry recently and so I decided to go by the books this time instead of lashing out like I would have done ordinarily. So I went into the room and tried to act as calm as I possibly could. That’s rule number 1.)
What’s going on?
Niki: Stephanie scattered my toys!
Steph: But she hit me first!
Me: (Rule 2: Instead of asking who started what and where, try to empathize with all parties involved.
I asked them to calm down because they were obviously still really mad at each other. Then I took it one person at a time)
Steph scattered your toys and you are upset right?
Steph: But mom…
Me: Shhhhhhhh (Rule 3: Don’t give room for interruptions)
I can understand because it took you time to arrange them to your taste.
Yes anything else?
Niki: (Looking calmer) I also asked her to leave me alone.
Me: Ok I get that you are also upset that she didn’t give in to your request for some privacy. Ok Stephanie?
Steph: She said my toys were rubbish and asked me to leave.
(Well it happened that Steph came to play with Niki who preferred some privacy and so she sent her away. Steph didn’t understand and was hurt which led to her scattering Niki’s toys.
It may seem like a long process but this actually helps to make each child to vent their feelings and have more self control over them as well. )
Me: Ok Steph was hurt because you didn’t want to play. I want you both to see this from the other person’s viewpoint. What could you both have done differently?
Surprisingly, after a while they admitted that they were both at fault and saw reasons with me.
I won’t say that I will have the strength to go through this lengthy dialogue with them on a regular basis but I intend to try. And hopefully, this ‘by the book’ strategy of mine will yield a remarkable result. Please try it if you aren’t doing so already.
Rule 4: No name calling or use of swearing words during an argument.
Rule 5: Help the kids resolve issues quickly and without bias.
You can as well decide to play pretend Mayor Munro or Super Mom to the rescue.
Eventually, it all boils down to what works for you and the kids anyway.
What strategies do you use to keep sibling rivalry in check? Or are you among the select few who have kids that don’t fight?
Please share!
XOXO,
Yours Truly.
Nikimandi
